Lopsided

Once I quit the baja team, I felt a void in my life; Baja was my engineering fix. With people like me, there is an inherent need to design, build, and repair. Anything. For any reason. It's just hard-wired into our brains, we fix stuff, we're problem-solvers, and we're at our best when we're doing what we do best. So anyways, Baja was where I got my fix, and without it, I don't get to build anything. So I decided to go back to my old high-school theater department, it's in the same town as my college. I was a stagehand back in the day, construction and stage management mostly. And every time I visited, my old director would tell me that I should come help them build, and every time I would tell her I didn't have enough time, which I didn't. But now I do.
It's been four years since I graduated, and the only person left in the department that I know is the director. I often wonder if I need to grow up; stop being so nostalgic about high school and get on with my life. If someone asks me why I came back, and they pressed the issue, I don't know what I'd say. But so far so good, she's got me on an elevator platform, it's a good challenge. I wish I had more to work with, but it's good practice.

Anyways, still just as lonely as ever. Some of the high school kids seem to have taken a liking to me, but I still don't really have any friends, nobody to hang out with for no reason at all, except for my roommate. Who is best in small doses.
You know the feeling about a past relationship that you'd give anything to get back what you had then? I thought that what I had with my first girlfriend was great, but I never thought I'd be where I am now. The nights lying in bed together, holding each other. Being with a girl is fun, being with one who really likes you is even better, but there's no substitute. Some days I feel like I'm going out of my mind from lonliness, like I could try anything to get with another girl just to have someone to hold. I've even entertained the thought of compromising my values, like dating someone without long-term prospects, or dating a high schooler.
Even now, when my little brother is back in town, I'm doing good in my classes, and my life in general is going well, I'm still desparately lonely. When I'm out being successful during the day, I don't have time to think about it, and it's not a problem, but every night I come home and here I am again, a long night ahead of me with nothing to do, and no one to call, nobody to hang out with.
I've had a problem for, well, quite a few years, where, when I get a new friend, I'll "use them up." I'll just want to talk to them all night, and neglect that they have other friends and other things to do. Because going into it, I'll usually be at rock bottom, like I was saying, with absolutely nothing better to at night. And I'll follow them around like a lost puppy dog, and cling to them until they can't stand it anymore, and the whole thing falls apart and I never talk to them again. It's a rotten situation, because where do you go from here? I'll make another friend, and the cycle repeats, I'll use them up too. That's it, I need to meet someone who's just as destitute as I am, and we'll just cling to each other. What's worse is there are several people I know who are just like me in that respect, they don't have anything else to fall back on, and they would cling to me if I let them. And I'll keep my distance, because these people are the most socially under-developed "live in their mom's basement" kind of people you'll ever meet (no, I mean ever worse than I am). And I can't stand these people, they're childish, annoying, and sometimes just selfish jerks. Say, I wonder if I just at the level of social-functioning just above them, if other people see me like I see my childish, annoying friends? Maybe I'm childish and annoying to the people I'd like to be around? *sigh*
Easter this Sunday, going to early mass with my family, like every year. And it's a time of spiritual closeness to God, and it's nice. If each year were a movie, Easter would be the happy ending. But no matter how close I am to God, I still don't have a girl. You know what that's like? It's like being hungry, and all you have is a jug of water. And you're not really thirsty, but you drink anyways because it might distract you from the hunger, but it doesn't. And eventually, you're waterlogged, and starving. That's how I feel. I have enough of all the other parts of life, now I want friendship and romance.
... I could talk more about it, but, oh well. Gotta go be "successful" tomorrow.