The Finale

I already wrote at length on the issue on my other blog, forgive me if I'm a little brief. I went to the library to walk her home after a great day and eating dinner with her, and halfway home she left with another guy in his car, and the other guy didn't drop her off at the dorms. That solves that problem. Good riddance.
My ex girlfriend says she'll be coming up from Oklahoma to try to talk to some teachers and join me for a trip to the River Festival. But I don't really think of her as my ex, that's such a nasty sounding word: ex. I'd like to say "former girlfriend", but that sounds like she died. I think it'll just have to be good or best friend. She says it's like we've gone full circle. We had a relationship, it ended, we weren't speaking for a while, then we started talking again, and now we're really close friends. We talk to each other about anything. She's been dragging her heels on making phone calls to arrange to come into town, and I told her that I already bought my Riverfest button. It's about time to see an old friend and cast aside all the worries of the last semester. I have friends to visit all over the place this summer, I'll probably have to get a job to cover traveling expenses, I actually wasn't planning on it. Probably be better for me though.
Grr. I should sleep if I'm gonna get done tomorrow what I want to. Go Foo Fighters.

Same girl again

Well, Saturday, I woke up early, and was feeling confident. After a tense hour or two, I went over there and knocked on her door, she didn't answer, she was on the phone. I came back in 30 minutes, she was still on the phone, I knocked again anyways, and she anwsered. I tried to ask her to lunch, she said that she had already eaten and had to study for the rest of the day. We talked for about 15 minutes about the end of the semester, and our last test until I asked if she'd mind if I stopped by again later, and she was fine with that. I've been telling everyone my time-bomb analogy, nobody seems to like it but I think it fits well. And Saturday, I clipped a wire on the time bomb, and it did nothing. I'm just 2 days closer to the end now. But at least I found out that her last final is on May 15th, I have at least until then, to tell her how I feel about her, and why it doesn't matter because I'll never see her again anyways. And in my younger years, that would be reason enough to not talk to her again at all, but now... The last time I had a big crush, it lasted months, and tore me up pretty good until I finally confronted her and resolved it. And she was already seeing someone, but the closure was better than waiting longer. And with this, well I've already said, I'll never stop wondering if I don't tell her. And in all probability, she'll be surprised that I feel that way, and she won't, and it'll be just a very awkward moment. I've been there before, a few times, and I think I can take rejection one more time. This is just another famous case, I'm sure, of girls being much too friendly around available guys they're not interested in. It's like a one-armed bandit at the casino - there's a 9/10 chance you won't get anything, and one in a million that you actually win. But that small chance is enough to get at least a little excited when you pull the lever.

Same girl from last post, and more college drama

...It gets worse the longer you think about it. I think I'll try tomorrow. Go over and ask her to join me for lunch... I don't know where. We had a party tonight at Tony's after the RHA banquet and I briefly thought about inviting her, but if she turned me down, that's the end of it. I can't ask her to lunch after that, after being turned down once. I don't know if there's a rule against it, but I just wouldn't. So I haven't blown up the whole situation yet, but time ticks away. Yeah, like a time bomb. I almost clipped the wire that would make it explode, but even having not, the timer continues to count. It's May 6th now, I don't even really have 2 weeks anymore. She said she moves out on about the 15th.
I wonder why, I continue to torture myself, what do I think I could possibly get out of this? Well, I think even despite her leaving so soon, there's something just transcendental about liking someone and them liking you back.
But I have to act soon, because there's another timer besides her departure date. Me. How I think about the situation, about her. The longer I think about it, the less rooted in reality my thoughts about it become, and the less able I become to plan a course of action most likely to end in a desirable outcome. The longer I let it go, the more convinced I become that this is gonna be just like the movies, because aside from a few "encounters", the media's presentation of romance is all I know, all I have to go off of. I have no talent for romance, or people skills in general; dealing with and understanding women is harder for me than most guys.
It hurts, you know, and it's gonna hurt well into the summer no matter what the outcome. But it's a good kind of pain; like I told a friend, this kind of pain is better than the usual pain of lonliness and despair.

Baja guys leave on Monday, or Tuesday. Either way, they're probably up in the shop right now, in the middle of an 18 hour shift getting the car done. I pity them, but don't feel too sorry because I've been there before, twice. In the last two years, this time of year has always found me up in the shop covered in grease and sweat, and pock-marked with burns and cuts. It makes me sad to not be there, but not so sad, because they decided that they didn't need me. And I hope that they wish I was there now, that revenge is the only consolation I could get out of the situation. Either way, I hope they do well. Maybe I'm not one of them, but that team has known some great engineers in the past - people whose legacy should be continued through the team's success. If they don't do well, then I hope that those who came before me can forgive me.

Bad Timing

Okay, I'm stuck. I've studied with a girl in my Heat Transfer class for the last two tests now, and I really like her, and I think she might like me. But she leaves for home (overseas) for good in two weeks. And we've had our last test in that class now, so I won't have any more guaranteed chances to see her, except for just going over to her room. If I put it all on the table now and she just doesn't feel that way, well, nothing lost right, I'll never see her again. But if I put it all on the table and she does feel that way, well that's almost worse, because what do you do with the last two weeks? And if I don't say anything ever, well she goes home and I get to wonder for the rest of my life. And perhaps, so does she. OR, I could tell her the last day, right as she's moving out. In that case, there's really nothing lost if she doesn't like me. But if she's head-over-heels for me, and I don't tell her until she leaves... That'd be terrible.
I've made up my mind to tell her, one way or another. "not telling her" is off the list, but so far, it's the only one off. I almost feel that it's unfair to her, to have unresolved feelings with someone overseas when she's trying to go home and finish college there. But if there's a chance that she does like me, and I never say anything, then it would be unfair not to say anything, because she'd have to go on with her life wondering and going through her "what-ifs"
It's funny, even if it was "meant to be", I don't think anyone could be so sure that they could start an very long distance relationship with someone overseas. Even if I do get rich, what, do I just fly over there every so often?
The whole situation pisses me off, that I like her. Couldn't be worse timing. It's funny how it just happens, we don't really have much control over who we like, liking people just happens.

In other news, today sucked. Last Heat Transfer test was today, and then RHA stuff, and today was just depressing. More depressing than any day for a while. I finished up 2 classes today, and got alot done, but...phew. I don't even know what I want anymore. Summer sounds like a nice idea, but I've been in college forever. This semester makes 4 years even, and I'm going 4 & 1/2. So one more.
I told my friend on IM that this semester, but today especially, severly blurred the line between "panic attack" and "just a really bad day."
But I've been pretty good in retrospect. This has been a good week, regardless of how I feel about it.

Semester End

The end is in sight, just a few more finals. Do you know how long this semester has been? I was going through all my music I've listened to over the semester, and ... the memories that the music holds. There's so much time trapped in each song, the memories. It's been good, I've made good changes and learned more than what's taught in classrooms. I, feel like a better person from this semester, even with all the bad things. There is still, one more thing, and it's not a final or a project. But it has the potential to set the tone for the whole summer, for better or worse. It's... time, to stop just surviving, and live. I, feel like, the rest of my life is one more big chapter. But I know it isn't, but I still feel that I have to start the rest of my life on the right foot. Wherever I decide to go, I have the next 40+ years to get there, and 40 years in the wrong direction is, too far to turn back and start over. So I'll do my best to choose well now.