Women Are Not My Specialty

Once in a while, you just get really confused about women. This is one of those times.
Ran into one of my ex's at the wedding this weekend, she came with her family, and really surprised me, caught me off guard. It made me sad to see this community, down in Coffeyville, and how close they are were, and how I had my chance to become a part of it, and I gave it up for a reason that, from the outside seems really stupid - differences in faith. There's er, I'll just have to count them in order. My first ex who I ran into last fall and am still trying to exchange e-mails with. After months of silence, I sent her another one, casual and conversational, just to break the silence and, just to hear her again. So clearly I'm not over that one yet, not completely. I was, and then she showed up again. She seems pretty over me, at least, now she does. She's Catholic though, so if she wanted to start something, I wouldn't have to second guess myself there.
And then the second one, the most serious relationship, I still talk to her. About every other night. For usually about 2 hours. Turns out we're best friends now, funny how that works eh? And at then end of the school year, we were at Riverfest and I started falling for her again. I think that's over with, but it's another thought. I broke up with her because of faith differences after about a year. And there's still that bug in the back of my mind, if I wouldn't be such a hardass about inter-faith relationships, there's no reason we couldn't date again.
And on to three, the one at the wedding. I just love Coffeyville so much, I want to be a part of that community, all the people there are great. Same reason with her, like above, interfaith relationship. And again, if I wanted to soften my stance and go in guns-a-blazin, I'll be I could get her back.
And moving onto recently, another girl who actually was Catholic, who I went to high school with. Hung out with her for a week, then it looked like we were headed for dating. But then her recently ended previous relationship/engagement got to her, and she's says she's out of the dating scene for a good while now. That always makes you wonder, thats a good excuse to get out of a relationship you don't want, just say you don't feel like dating anyone, softens the blow. Makes me think that maybe she's not so averse to dating, just me. And that's not fair, it's just what goes thourgh my mind. But she's younger than me by a few years, and then I wonder if she's going to get over this last relationship sooner than she thinks and is going to want to try something with me again. So it's not so closed door that I can just forget about her and move on with my life. Add her to my list of ex's that I'm not over with, even though I'm not quite an ex with her. Still feels like it.
That's 4 girls, and no realistic chances with any of them. And with the wedding this weekend, the bride and groom, two other friends who are well on their way to marriage, and myself were my group of friends back in my old dorms. That does get to me sometimes, of those five people, I'm the only one with no realistic forseeable future prospects. I'm starting to feel like, it's about time for me to find that right girl and start thinking about the rest of my life. I am 22, and even old classmates 2-3 years younger starting to get married and have kids. But then I think "Marriage? Me? Ha!" Pardon me while I laugh satirically.
And then, I don't think I have high standards, but I've always been completely against the interfaith marriage thing ever since I started dating seriously. But that's not the Church's stance, lots of good, pious Catholics marry good non-Catholic people and have long, happy marriages, even despite the statistics. And I'm not just playing with numbers here, I can't see marrying a girl with whom I can't fully share my faith. Every Sunday either I'd go to church alone and wish I didn't have to, or walk out of church every week arguing with my wife about everything Catholics believe and she doesn't agree with. I can't see any reason to soften my stance, when I think about changing it, I just think about that scenario, and being with some girl who'll never understand what I believe. But then, I gave up two really great girls because of my standards. Both girls with which I probably would have gotten more serious if not for my precious values. And on one hand, I can think that "boy, when I do find that right girl, she's sure gonna be great because she'll be such a great Catholic." And on the other hand "Well here I am, 37 and still single because I set my standards too fucking high and drove away a bunch of really great girls, any of which I could have settled down with.
I don't have many really pious Catholic friends, the best one I know, the one I really look up to, is going to Japan in a month, and then I'll be like Rambo, just some lone man defending his standards amongst droves of friends who can't help me because they're not like that.
I think the Riverfest infatiation with the second one was in part the result of some emotional insanity from being away from women for so long, that I'm immediately attracted to the first one I can get close to. And that's a bad situation to be in, because when I do get back into dating, I'm going to take whatever I can get and fall into a pit of passive-agressive codependancy again.
So I'm really in two dilemmas, I want to start dating again because I just miss it, I miss being able to trust someone with everything, and be trusted like that. But more than that, I'm starting to feel like I want someone to consider a "rest-of-our-lives, happily-ever-after" relationship with. And then there's just being single, and the feeling that women bring nothing but problems and misery, and that being alone isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Because, when you're alone, you're at worst, lonely. But when your dating, you can be manipulated in hundreds of different ways without even knowing it, and abused, taken advantage of, and just plain screwed. The worst lonliness for me has never been as bad as the worst dating situation.
Well, I don't really want anwsers, or to be understood, I just wanted to get that all out there. When I feel strongly about something like this, I can't just let go of it until I get it out. This doesn't change anything, but at least I have a small written record of my insanity to reference incase I ever decide to figure any of this out.

The Finale

I already wrote at length on the issue on my other blog, forgive me if I'm a little brief. I went to the library to walk her home after a great day and eating dinner with her, and halfway home she left with another guy in his car, and the other guy didn't drop her off at the dorms. That solves that problem. Good riddance.
My ex girlfriend says she'll be coming up from Oklahoma to try to talk to some teachers and join me for a trip to the River Festival. But I don't really think of her as my ex, that's such a nasty sounding word: ex. I'd like to say "former girlfriend", but that sounds like she died. I think it'll just have to be good or best friend. She says it's like we've gone full circle. We had a relationship, it ended, we weren't speaking for a while, then we started talking again, and now we're really close friends. We talk to each other about anything. She's been dragging her heels on making phone calls to arrange to come into town, and I told her that I already bought my Riverfest button. It's about time to see an old friend and cast aside all the worries of the last semester. I have friends to visit all over the place this summer, I'll probably have to get a job to cover traveling expenses, I actually wasn't planning on it. Probably be better for me though.
Grr. I should sleep if I'm gonna get done tomorrow what I want to. Go Foo Fighters.

Same girl again

Well, Saturday, I woke up early, and was feeling confident. After a tense hour or two, I went over there and knocked on her door, she didn't answer, she was on the phone. I came back in 30 minutes, she was still on the phone, I knocked again anyways, and she anwsered. I tried to ask her to lunch, she said that she had already eaten and had to study for the rest of the day. We talked for about 15 minutes about the end of the semester, and our last test until I asked if she'd mind if I stopped by again later, and she was fine with that. I've been telling everyone my time-bomb analogy, nobody seems to like it but I think it fits well. And Saturday, I clipped a wire on the time bomb, and it did nothing. I'm just 2 days closer to the end now. But at least I found out that her last final is on May 15th, I have at least until then, to tell her how I feel about her, and why it doesn't matter because I'll never see her again anyways. And in my younger years, that would be reason enough to not talk to her again at all, but now... The last time I had a big crush, it lasted months, and tore me up pretty good until I finally confronted her and resolved it. And she was already seeing someone, but the closure was better than waiting longer. And with this, well I've already said, I'll never stop wondering if I don't tell her. And in all probability, she'll be surprised that I feel that way, and she won't, and it'll be just a very awkward moment. I've been there before, a few times, and I think I can take rejection one more time. This is just another famous case, I'm sure, of girls being much too friendly around available guys they're not interested in. It's like a one-armed bandit at the casino - there's a 9/10 chance you won't get anything, and one in a million that you actually win. But that small chance is enough to get at least a little excited when you pull the lever.

Same girl from last post, and more college drama

...It gets worse the longer you think about it. I think I'll try tomorrow. Go over and ask her to join me for lunch... I don't know where. We had a party tonight at Tony's after the RHA banquet and I briefly thought about inviting her, but if she turned me down, that's the end of it. I can't ask her to lunch after that, after being turned down once. I don't know if there's a rule against it, but I just wouldn't. So I haven't blown up the whole situation yet, but time ticks away. Yeah, like a time bomb. I almost clipped the wire that would make it explode, but even having not, the timer continues to count. It's May 6th now, I don't even really have 2 weeks anymore. She said she moves out on about the 15th.
I wonder why, I continue to torture myself, what do I think I could possibly get out of this? Well, I think even despite her leaving so soon, there's something just transcendental about liking someone and them liking you back.
But I have to act soon, because there's another timer besides her departure date. Me. How I think about the situation, about her. The longer I think about it, the less rooted in reality my thoughts about it become, and the less able I become to plan a course of action most likely to end in a desirable outcome. The longer I let it go, the more convinced I become that this is gonna be just like the movies, because aside from a few "encounters", the media's presentation of romance is all I know, all I have to go off of. I have no talent for romance, or people skills in general; dealing with and understanding women is harder for me than most guys.
It hurts, you know, and it's gonna hurt well into the summer no matter what the outcome. But it's a good kind of pain; like I told a friend, this kind of pain is better than the usual pain of lonliness and despair.

Baja guys leave on Monday, or Tuesday. Either way, they're probably up in the shop right now, in the middle of an 18 hour shift getting the car done. I pity them, but don't feel too sorry because I've been there before, twice. In the last two years, this time of year has always found me up in the shop covered in grease and sweat, and pock-marked with burns and cuts. It makes me sad to not be there, but not so sad, because they decided that they didn't need me. And I hope that they wish I was there now, that revenge is the only consolation I could get out of the situation. Either way, I hope they do well. Maybe I'm not one of them, but that team has known some great engineers in the past - people whose legacy should be continued through the team's success. If they don't do well, then I hope that those who came before me can forgive me.

Bad Timing

Okay, I'm stuck. I've studied with a girl in my Heat Transfer class for the last two tests now, and I really like her, and I think she might like me. But she leaves for home (overseas) for good in two weeks. And we've had our last test in that class now, so I won't have any more guaranteed chances to see her, except for just going over to her room. If I put it all on the table now and she just doesn't feel that way, well, nothing lost right, I'll never see her again. But if I put it all on the table and she does feel that way, well that's almost worse, because what do you do with the last two weeks? And if I don't say anything ever, well she goes home and I get to wonder for the rest of my life. And perhaps, so does she. OR, I could tell her the last day, right as she's moving out. In that case, there's really nothing lost if she doesn't like me. But if she's head-over-heels for me, and I don't tell her until she leaves... That'd be terrible.
I've made up my mind to tell her, one way or another. "not telling her" is off the list, but so far, it's the only one off. I almost feel that it's unfair to her, to have unresolved feelings with someone overseas when she's trying to go home and finish college there. But if there's a chance that she does like me, and I never say anything, then it would be unfair not to say anything, because she'd have to go on with her life wondering and going through her "what-ifs"
It's funny, even if it was "meant to be", I don't think anyone could be so sure that they could start an very long distance relationship with someone overseas. Even if I do get rich, what, do I just fly over there every so often?
The whole situation pisses me off, that I like her. Couldn't be worse timing. It's funny how it just happens, we don't really have much control over who we like, liking people just happens.

In other news, today sucked. Last Heat Transfer test was today, and then RHA stuff, and today was just depressing. More depressing than any day for a while. I finished up 2 classes today, and got alot done, but...phew. I don't even know what I want anymore. Summer sounds like a nice idea, but I've been in college forever. This semester makes 4 years even, and I'm going 4 & 1/2. So one more.
I told my friend on IM that this semester, but today especially, severly blurred the line between "panic attack" and "just a really bad day."
But I've been pretty good in retrospect. This has been a good week, regardless of how I feel about it.

Semester End

The end is in sight, just a few more finals. Do you know how long this semester has been? I was going through all my music I've listened to over the semester, and ... the memories that the music holds. There's so much time trapped in each song, the memories. It's been good, I've made good changes and learned more than what's taught in classrooms. I, feel like a better person from this semester, even with all the bad things. There is still, one more thing, and it's not a final or a project. But it has the potential to set the tone for the whole summer, for better or worse. It's... time, to stop just surviving, and live. I, feel like, the rest of my life is one more big chapter. But I know it isn't, but I still feel that I have to start the rest of my life on the right foot. Wherever I decide to go, I have the next 40+ years to get there, and 40 years in the wrong direction is, too far to turn back and start over. So I'll do my best to choose well now.

Just daydreaming

You know what I like to think about sometimes? A naval gun, like on a battleship, big 16 inch guns. But instead of firing once or twice per minute, like they usually do, they fire at 6000 rounds per minute, like a vulcan cannon. 100 per second. Can you imagine how you'd feed 100 rounds ever second, if they're 16 inches tall. That means you're going through 130 feet of shells ever second (well, if you stored them in a line). And can you imagine what the muzzle of the gun would look like, and what the ship would feel, and what would happen to the target?
What if they invented it? I know it's silly, but what if? The Naval Vulcan Cannon. There isn't really anything out there that needs to be hit in the same place with more than three or four of those shells, but when they come along with something that needs more than that, well, we'll be ready. OH, and if the ship gets into trouble, they could just point all their cannons in the same direction and fire repeatedly, and they'll be propelled at quite a good speed in the opposite direction. Why don't you do an episode on that, Bill Nye? That'd be a great episode, the physics of the Naval Vulcan Cannon. Oh, silly thoughts like that mean it's bedtime.

Baby Names

So I was looking up some name meanings tonight, and it occured to me, all these sites that advertise "baby names", they aren't just names for babies, they're people names. You don't name your baby something, and then change names when they're 4 or 5. I think the idea of "baby names" is misleading because it makes it sound like you're naming just a baby. But it's not, to parents, it's their son or daughter that'll grow up and make them proud. I guess "baby names" is just a term of convenience, since choosing a name for a baby is when we're most often interested in names and their menaings. Not that I have any need for baby names. Ohhh no, not me. I know plenty of people who do, but I'm not one of them.

Crushes

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if everyone who has, or has ever had a crush on you, had to tell you immediately. And then you could know, all at once, everyone who's ever liked you. But then, would you fear to know, fearing that the list would be too short, or empty, or full of all the wrong people? It would be great if life had a button, like the "Easy" button from the Staples commercials, that would do that if you pressed it. I think it's something that would be good for some people to know. I certainly wouldn't mind telling all the girls I've had a crush on, if they were really that curious. I keep a list after all. Changes about every 2 months too. Funny cycle. And every time, you come down with a new crush, you think about them like "they're the one" and all your other crushes were just silly. But then in 2 months, it's over, and then you're like "well, I guess that was just another silly crush too." I've grown to distrust crushes because of that, the reasons that crushes begin are, I believe, for reasons not well grounded in reality. I've come to see crushes as just another unnecessary pain of daily life, an inconvenience of the human condition.

Lock and Load

Okay, so I've been on a real "bolt-action" kick recently. Not any particular gun, just the idea, the motion, of heaving a hand-sized pin towards you to ready a machine gun, or a smoking brass casing flying from your rifle as you throw the bolt handle back. It's a motion that, it's just so universally cool. So much so that I wan't to incorporate it into my stage elevator elevator design, even though I already have lever-actuated shear pins. It's not infeasible that I could rig a large bolt handle to control all four wagon brake handles. *sigh. I've hit a brick wall in my design, it's gotten very complicated very fast, and I don't know how to bring it all back to earth. Counterweights are tricky. If only I had some more space...
Oh, for the record, Emery kicks ass, and Allele also kicks ass. Can't get enough Emery. I'll run my whole Emery collection on Winamp in the background while I play a map on Age of Empires 2. Hey, at least it's not the original AOE.