Rollercoaster

Today started good, woke up very on time, second person done with my Criminal Justice test in my first class. Then I got to talk to my ex (well the most recent one), I've only really talked to her one other time since we broke up. Two more good, productive classes, then a good lunch at church followed by card games and foosball, and involving another girl. That was pretty cool. Then on to the library (the downtown one, my favorite) for Design homework that's a week late and piling up, I made good progress, but not enough. Tomorrow I must make more. After homework, on to "16 Blocks" with my roommate/suitemate. Which was fun, but he's just so exciteable. I thought it was something about his side of town that gives me a headache, oh nope, it's just him. Tonight was fun, but he was acting like he drank the whole pitcher of kool-aid. Then it hit me, he's pretty ADD. Which is apparently called ADHD nowadays, but not when the diagnosed my older brother with it back in the 90's. And that's how I know, when he gets too excited, he acts just like my older brother when he's too excited. My roommate was like a runaway train, just talking nonstop, he even apologized a few times for his nonstop chatter, but didn't let that slow down his flurry of one-sided conversation. That's kinda why I miss my friends that moved away, they were all so mellow, never excitable. Well, anyways, I had a good start on a headache going into the movie, and sat in polite, pseudo-listening silence on the way back to avoid making it worse. And I'm gonna room with this guy next semester? But the other side is I think, people like him and my older brother need people like me, to help mellow them out and calm their chatter. Not that I'm an expert on it, but I know many who are less sympathetic, content to point and laugh from around corners and behind closed doors. They're annoying, sure, but making fun of people is terrible.
Well, the movie was good though, kind of a mind-bender. I definitely recommend it, plenty of fun. Better than V for Vendetta I think.

Nightmares

Man, still kind of shaken up. I just woke up late, I didn't miss anything but some homework time, but the dream was, unsettling. It, I don't even really know why, it was me and some other people who were my friends, like 4 other people in all, who went to a movie. But not at a theater, it was at my house, in Augusta, in my bedroom. We started in the parking lot, well, a parking lot on campus at WSU. I don't know why it bothered me that much, maybe just because I don't really have that many friends, and all those people made me feel uncomfortable.
Well, get this, we took a 20 question depression test in my psych class, and I got a 69, I think, it was in the 60s. And 60 to 70 is moderate to severe depression. How about that. I don't really feel depressed, but I am pretty miserable, I get lonely alot. The girl in front of me had a 35. Granted I was in a bad mood, so that might have affected my anwsers. Oh well.
Oh I wish I knew what it was about that dream, I just feel like going back to sleep and resuming my dream so I can duke it out with what's bothering me. I did watch that episode of "Shootout" with the 2 heavily armed California gunmen, I'll bet that didn't help. I even knew it while I was watching it "you're gonna have nightmares aren't you?" ...
You know what I've figured out? You have the most vivid dreams when you oversleep, or when you sleep and you're not really tired. If I could always have dreams that were so fun and exciting, I'd probably just nap in all of my spare time. Dreams are nice, becasue you're always back to square one when you're done. Nobody gets hurt, nothing gets broken.
If I still had my girlfriend, I'd get a big long hug from her, that always used to help. And how terrible; now that I don't have a girlfriend, there's really no cure for being shaken up like this. Just have to kill some time and try to forget about it. I pity the next girl I date, she is going to have quite a tangled mess of nightmares and bad memories to dig through. It's like a lottery, the longer I go single, the bigger the stakes get, the more happens. When I do find that girl, it won't take her long to ask "what's wrong?" and I'll only be able to laugh nervously and act like I didn't hear anything.

Perfect...

This is perfect, I forgot I had this. I've been craving the opportunity to pour my thoughts out anonymusly, yet publicly.
Alot has changed since I last wrote. I don't work at Learjet anymore, I'm riding on student loans right now. It was all too much, 2 clubs, school and work. I'm not on the Mini Baja team anymore either, the disrespect and politics ran to deep for my taste. There was more buerocracy going on there than engineering. Baja was, for a few years, the singular most important part of my life, it's what came to replace my theater group from Kapaun. Theater was where I belonged then, Baja is where I belonged in college.
That said, leaving Baja leaves quite a gap in my life. I've been trying to meet new people, and have been going to activities at my church more often, but I think I just have really bad luck. I saw a girl on one of the online community websites: single, my age, went to school in my town, so I subscribed to her blog to try to subtlely-as-possible express a bit of non-confrontational interest in her. Her next post was, as far as I could tell, telling me to stay the hell away from her because she wasn't interested in any creepy internet guys who are just trying to hit on her. I don't feel I did anything wrong, but I guess I just picked the wrong person. I've changed all my online profiles around to reflect that I'm really sick of meeting new people, and any people in general, but nobody wants to be alone. That's terrible. I say I want to be left alone on the outside, but I crave company. But as of yet, company has always come at such a terrible price that I'm drivin to the conclusion that being alone is better. The people I've met are always rude, selfish, arrogant, self-centered, and just completely incompatible with the way I am. And the reason I know that is because I've met some new people who are such a contrast to them, they're kind and accepting, I just can't get as close to them as I'd like.
I have a real problem with people in general, but specifically with girls. I don't really feel like there's a particular crowd that I fit into. There's the cool party chicks that drink alot and go to frat parties, but I'm way to boring for them. Then there's the pious Catholic girls, but I'm not nearly holy enough for them. Then there's the smart ones, the intelectuals, but I can't keep up with them, not with my bad grades. But then the more simple-minded ones can't keep up with me, I feel like I can predict their next word and next move because they're all so predictable and mundane. And the gaming crowd, and internet crowd: all the girls who kick ass at Counterstrike and Halo 2, but I'm not that good at either of those games, I'm more of a casual gamer, not really competitive. But then to anyone who isn't a gamer, all of my gaming habits appear completely mundane, and foreign. And then, the final, most destructive point. Both of my last two relationships ended becasue I decided that interfaith marriage was a bad idea. I'm Catholic, they were Southern Baptist and Lutheran. Which I respect, but when it comes to serious relationships, that's the one, uncompromising point. If you're not Catholic, better to not even bother. It'll just end terribly, like the last two. And if not for my values, hell, I could be engaged by now. My first serious relationship, that was the one obstacle. If I wouldn't have been so picky about interfaith marriages, I don't imagine anything would have prevented the relationship from getting much more serious.

Okay, you know what I'm looking for? A Catholic girl who's serious about her faith, but not looking for a former seminarian, and who likes video games, but isn't that good at them, and who likes rock music, but isn't a black-lipsticked goth chick, and doesn't bore me with gossip, but doesn't conclude that I'm too boring for her. And one of my huge pet peeves is needy girls. I can't stand them. I like girls who can stand on their own, who have their own lives. Unfortunately, girls who have their own lives already, don't need a "me" to complete then ensemble. All the girls I know are way too needy, or not nearly needy enough. And I feel so picky, but the people I've met just don't fit at all, they just don't work. Maybe I've been away from people for so long that I'm incapable of adjusting to other's differences... Perhaps the people, and the girls I want to be around exist only in my mind, only in my memory.

Well, my birthday is coming up, 10 days from now. I'll be 22. And I couldn't care less. I'll probably get a bunch of random facebook birthday wishes from people who indiscriminantly make "happy birthday" wall posts to everyone on their friends list. I have no intention of celebrating my birthday because growing a year older is nothing to celebrate. Growing a year younger would be, but what has the last year brought me? The loss of my grandmother, my three best friends moving away, and another year's distance from all the memories that make living right now tolerable. I've told people I've got half a mind to temporarily move my birthdate back by a few months on my profiles just so nobody sees it and tries to make a big deal out of it. I don't even know who I'd invite if I did celebrate, my roommate, people I live with... I can't stand anyone I work with. All my close friends are out of town. I didn't celebrate last year either, probably won't again for some time.

You know, I feel bad about the whole dating thing; I respect my parents alot and while I don't agree with everything they did, I always hoped that how they met each other would be like how I meet my girl. But I graduate in December, I'll probably graduate single, and after that, where am I going to meet girls? I can't stand bars, or the people who frequent them. Same goes for night clubs. College offers alot of opportunities to be in lots of clubs and meet lots of people, but what is there after I graduate? Just work, and the few friends I'll hang on to. The idea really scares me actually, that as poorly as I'm doing now, I may be doing that much worse in the real world. Even now, the most common activity I fill my evenings with is checking my Gmail, then my facebook, my xanga, my live journal, and my instant messengers, each time just hoping someone would contact me. Anyways, my point is my parents met in college, and married shortly after the graduated, and I'm not going to get married by then myself. Between them and a bunch of my friends from high school getting married, I feel like I'm running late, like something's wrong. I know all sorts of successful and happy people don't get married until their mid twenties or even thirties, but it still drives me nuts.

Well, that's all for now. If your as bored as I am, and some act of divine intervention led you to read my entire rambling post, drop me a line: ksgaines@gmail.com or Frankenstein4684 on AIM.