Saturday, April 29, 2006

Just daydreaming

You know what I like to think about sometimes? A naval gun, like on a battleship, big 16 inch guns. But instead of firing once or twice per minute, like they usually do, they fire at 6000 rounds per minute, like a vulcan cannon. 100 per second. Can you imagine how you'd feed 100 rounds ever second, if they're 16 inches tall. That means you're going through 130 feet of shells ever second (well, if you stored them in a line). And can you imagine what the muzzle of the gun would look like, and what the ship would feel, and what would happen to the target?
What if they invented it? I know it's silly, but what if? The Naval Vulcan Cannon. There isn't really anything out there that needs to be hit in the same place with more than three or four of those shells, but when they come along with something that needs more than that, well, we'll be ready. OH, and if the ship gets into trouble, they could just point all their cannons in the same direction and fire repeatedly, and they'll be propelled at quite a good speed in the opposite direction. Why don't you do an episode on that, Bill Nye? That'd be a great episode, the physics of the Naval Vulcan Cannon. Oh, silly thoughts like that mean it's bedtime.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Baby Names

So I was looking up some name meanings tonight, and it occured to me, all these sites that advertise "baby names", they aren't just names for babies, they're people names. You don't name your baby something, and then change names when they're 4 or 5. I think the idea of "baby names" is misleading because it makes it sound like you're naming just a baby. But it's not, to parents, it's their son or daughter that'll grow up and make them proud. I guess "baby names" is just a term of convenience, since choosing a name for a baby is when we're most often interested in names and their menaings. Not that I have any need for baby names. Ohhh no, not me. I know plenty of people who do, but I'm not one of them.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Crushes

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if everyone who has, or has ever had a crush on you, had to tell you immediately. And then you could know, all at once, everyone who's ever liked you. But then, would you fear to know, fearing that the list would be too short, or empty, or full of all the wrong people? It would be great if life had a button, like the "Easy" button from the Staples commercials, that would do that if you pressed it. I think it's something that would be good for some people to know. I certainly wouldn't mind telling all the girls I've had a crush on, if they were really that curious. I keep a list after all. Changes about every 2 months too. Funny cycle. And every time, you come down with a new crush, you think about them like "they're the one" and all your other crushes were just silly. But then in 2 months, it's over, and then you're like "well, I guess that was just another silly crush too." I've grown to distrust crushes because of that, the reasons that crushes begin are, I believe, for reasons not well grounded in reality. I've come to see crushes as just another unnecessary pain of daily life, an inconvenience of the human condition.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Lock and Load

Okay, so I've been on a real "bolt-action" kick recently. Not any particular gun, just the idea, the motion, of heaving a hand-sized pin towards you to ready a machine gun, or a smoking brass casing flying from your rifle as you throw the bolt handle back. It's a motion that, it's just so universally cool. So much so that I wan't to incorporate it into my stage elevator elevator design, even though I already have lever-actuated shear pins. It's not infeasible that I could rig a large bolt handle to control all four wagon brake handles. *sigh. I've hit a brick wall in my design, it's gotten very complicated very fast, and I don't know how to bring it all back to earth. Counterweights are tricky. If only I had some more space...
Oh, for the record, Emery kicks ass, and Allele also kicks ass. Can't get enough Emery. I'll run my whole Emery collection on Winamp in the background while I play a map on Age of Empires 2. Hey, at least it's not the original AOE.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Well don't hold the door open, in or out!

Some days, people, are just the only thing I can think about, I just want to know people, have and make friends, love, and be loved, and learn everything about everyone. The lonliness is just so crushing, that I'd do anything just to make one more friend, or just to be a little closer to someone I know. I feel like I could compromise my standards, be someone I'm not, and lie about everything I hate, just to have someone care about me. Sometimes, I just want someone to care about, not even necessarily in a romantic way, but just care about in any way, because that's what people do, we care about each other.
Other days, people are the last thing I want to think about. They are the last thing I want to see, hear, be around, or even know of. Everyone pisses me off, and I become so convinced that everyone else I meet would piss me off just as much, if not immediately, then inevitablely. That people are inherently selfish, and they're always going to find some way to take without giving. Those days, if I were the last person on earth, that would be fine, I'd just chill in my dorm room, becoming godly at my guitar and beating all the computer games I've never finished. And no one would be left to enjoy my guitar, but they would find something wrong with it anyways. And I'd live out my days there, telling myself that people brought me nothing but trouble anyways.
And how do I feel right now? Which one fits me tonight? Neither. I don't really feel anything either way right now, I tired of going back and forth. I just want to make up my mind about people, or have it made up for me, I don't care, I just hate the roller-coaster ride
I'm not a sociopath, or anti-social, or even unfriendly. I'm usually pretty cheerful at face value. I guess I'm just gullible. I get screwed alot, manipulated, pushed around, and I'm sick of it. I can't leave my room and see just people I like, and some days, it really isn't worth taking the good with the bad. Days with yelling fights and mean spirited jokes at my expense aren't offset by a friendly smile and "Hello." Days like that make me wish that there was a lock on my door that locked it shut from both sides, forever.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Lopsided

Once I quit the baja team, I felt a void in my life; Baja was my engineering fix. With people like me, there is an inherent need to design, build, and repair. Anything. For any reason. It's just hard-wired into our brains, we fix stuff, we're problem-solvers, and we're at our best when we're doing what we do best. So anyways, Baja was where I got my fix, and without it, I don't get to build anything. So I decided to go back to my old high-school theater department, it's in the same town as my college. I was a stagehand back in the day, construction and stage management mostly. And every time I visited, my old director would tell me that I should come help them build, and every time I would tell her I didn't have enough time, which I didn't. But now I do.
It's been four years since I graduated, and the only person left in the department that I know is the director. I often wonder if I need to grow up; stop being so nostalgic about high school and get on with my life. If someone asks me why I came back, and they pressed the issue, I don't know what I'd say. But so far so good, she's got me on an elevator platform, it's a good challenge. I wish I had more to work with, but it's good practice.

Anyways, still just as lonely as ever. Some of the high school kids seem to have taken a liking to me, but I still don't really have any friends, nobody to hang out with for no reason at all, except for my roommate. Who is best in small doses.
You know the feeling about a past relationship that you'd give anything to get back what you had then? I thought that what I had with my first girlfriend was great, but I never thought I'd be where I am now. The nights lying in bed together, holding each other. Being with a girl is fun, being with one who really likes you is even better, but there's no substitute. Some days I feel like I'm going out of my mind from lonliness, like I could try anything to get with another girl just to have someone to hold. I've even entertained the thought of compromising my values, like dating someone without long-term prospects, or dating a high schooler.
Even now, when my little brother is back in town, I'm doing good in my classes, and my life in general is going well, I'm still desparately lonely. When I'm out being successful during the day, I don't have time to think about it, and it's not a problem, but every night I come home and here I am again, a long night ahead of me with nothing to do, and no one to call, nobody to hang out with.
I've had a problem for, well, quite a few years, where, when I get a new friend, I'll "use them up." I'll just want to talk to them all night, and neglect that they have other friends and other things to do. Because going into it, I'll usually be at rock bottom, like I was saying, with absolutely nothing better to at night. And I'll follow them around like a lost puppy dog, and cling to them until they can't stand it anymore, and the whole thing falls apart and I never talk to them again. It's a rotten situation, because where do you go from here? I'll make another friend, and the cycle repeats, I'll use them up too. That's it, I need to meet someone who's just as destitute as I am, and we'll just cling to each other. What's worse is there are several people I know who are just like me in that respect, they don't have anything else to fall back on, and they would cling to me if I let them. And I'll keep my distance, because these people are the most socially under-developed "live in their mom's basement" kind of people you'll ever meet (no, I mean ever worse than I am). And I can't stand these people, they're childish, annoying, and sometimes just selfish jerks. Say, I wonder if I just at the level of social-functioning just above them, if other people see me like I see my childish, annoying friends? Maybe I'm childish and annoying to the people I'd like to be around? *sigh*
Easter this Sunday, going to early mass with my family, like every year. And it's a time of spiritual closeness to God, and it's nice. If each year were a movie, Easter would be the happy ending. But no matter how close I am to God, I still don't have a girl. You know what that's like? It's like being hungry, and all you have is a jug of water. And you're not really thirsty, but you drink anyways because it might distract you from the hunger, but it doesn't. And eventually, you're waterlogged, and starving. That's how I feel. I have enough of all the other parts of life, now I want friendship and romance.
... I could talk more about it, but, oh well. Gotta go be "successful" tomorrow.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

So far so good, at least with the rest of school. I'm caught up on assignments, getting to all my classes early, much better than earlier this semester. My worst point was when I wasn't sleeping at night; I didn't go to any of my classes for 2 straight weeks. But I think that's all behind me now. Air conditioning is down all over campus, between sleep loss and heat fatigue I didn't go to my third class today. But everything else is going well, went to church with my family tonight.
If only bad grades were my worst worry this semester. Oh man, I just got hit with a rush of fatigue, gotta lie down... more tomorrow

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Yep, Girls Again

I thought I already wrote about this, apparently I didn't. Through the last two girls I dated, I decided that I just can't marry a non-Catholic. The first girl was Southern Baptist and the second Luteran, and both times, I broke it off because both times I decided that I couldn't get any more serious with the relationship with such a difference. And my stance on inter-faith marriage is even tougher than any Catholic friend that I know of, and tougher even than Church's stance. The Church said that inter-faith marriage between Catholics and non-Catholics is permissable when both parties agree that the children will be raised Catholic. And last I heard, the stance softened up to not requiring a promise that all children be raised Catholic, but only that the Catholic party does everything in their power to raise the kids Catholic. Apparently, there are other faiths that have similar stances on inter-faith marriage, that kids must be raised in their religion. But if you play out the scenario a bit, Catholic marries a non-Catholic, both parties doing everything they can to raise the kids in their faith, and what happens to the kids? My first serious girlfriend insisted that we should just let the kids decide; we both present the kids our side and let them decide. But kids don't decide, and they can't adequately be held to making that choice, they don't understand well enough.
Anyways, after both of those relationships, I decided that the life-long conflicts and screwed-up children weren't worth the risk. Non-Catholic girls are simply off-limits. So ever since then, whenever I'm browsing any kind of online profiles, faith or religion is always the first thing I look at, and it's the first thing on my mind. I've found some girls who would be perfect but for their faith. And others who wouldn't get a second glance except that they are Catholic. But it sucks, because I know that I'm the only person in, lets say a 25 mile radius that actually has such a harsh stance, and it has caused (I'm sure) and will cause me to look over dozens of possible romantic interests based on that stance. So it's like "Damn, she's cute, funny, shares all my interests, and she even likes me, BUT... she's not Catholic so don't even think about it." You know, it's kind of like swearing off alcohol (not that I drink that much), but it's like I just can't have any fun. Everything said and done, it's like my college years have been precisely orchestrated for me not to have any fun. But at least I have my values right? when I'm 32 and single in my apartment, I'll still be saying "I may not have gotten a date in 12 years, but at least I have my values." I really hope that there's a cute, single Catholic girl out there somewhere who think that's a no-interfaith marriage stance is really cool, because it's really cutting down my options.